Hi. I'm Ashley Hayball.
By all accounts, I led a fairly typical life up until 2022.
I married a wonderful man in 2004. We had 2 splendid kids. I taught school and felt strongly it was my God-given purpose.
Then cancer arrived...fast & furious.
Geoff- my husband- was dealt a crap hand and diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on June 8, 2022. He would be dead 65 days later, after the bravest & most humble acceptance of 4 rounds of horrific chemotherapy.
The bubble of invincibility that was our life simply vanished. I was terrified. Alone. And had never felt more hopeless.
I felt immediately sliced in half and sent back into the world. I had absolutely no idea how to survive a loss that resembled a massive tear in the fabric of the universe.
So...I went in search of a safety net.
That net resembled other women rowing the same crappy boat I was. Women thrust into solo parenting. Women widowed & figuring it out. Women who would eventually teach me to look for light in the cracks. Teach me to let go of who I used to be because she died, too.
Thank God for Instagram. Those first months are still a complete fog. I have very spotty memories of the day to day...likely a protective veil because really- the pain is so huge it's enough to consume you whole. But I somehow built a web of women who were brushing their teeth, feeding their children, stocking the fridge and living through the unimaginable. They saved me in those early days, and I'm not sure I ever properly thanked them.
I instinctively knew in those raw, early days what I needed to survive.
But I didn't. Not really.
As I glance over my shoulder- 15 months later- I can so clearly see the dots connect. It's impossible to know it when all you are doing is focusing on the next breath. The next minute. The next decision.
Time, gobs of faith, and a handful of women who were strangers months prior...they saved me. I'd like to think we saved each other through the hundreds of desperate text messages and tear-soaked phone calls. I believe now that loneliness is the hardest emotion to sit with. I can't tell you how many times I felt like the only woman in the world shouldering a life I never asked for. These women blurred the lines of loneliness. Knowing others were out in this vast ocean, rowing the same damn boat...it was morbidly comforting.
15 months later, and it's still morbidly comforting.
So...I am still Ashley Hayball. But I am no longer hopeless, alone, or terrified. My husband's death is proving to be the catalyst of my lifetime, and I refuse to lay down & surrender to my feelings.
Because I am not my feelings.
It is my hope to use what has happened to my children & me to help others...because I'm pretty sure that's the living definition of healing. Writing has always been my jam, and it's been a tool I've used almost every day to wade through gut-wrenching emotions to realize this:
I love who I am becoming. I just hate the cost of admission.
Keep going.
23 comments
As always, perfectly written! For me, the distancing of friends has been one of the most hurtful secondary losses. I try hard to understand and reconcile the fact that they are unable to be with me in my grief. My best friend of 42 years sends me a message every few months or so. Two of my husband’s best friends have contacted me only once during the past year. And yet as you stated, some acquaintances have stepped up in major ways and showed me how incredibly special and amazing they are. I never expected the gift of these people. Compassion and empathy have come from unexpected places, and I can only be grateful for that.
I just found this today from the widowed mom FB page. I really don’t follow her much anymore but am obviously still dealing with the loss of my husband in Jan 2022. Jan 27 to be exact. When I read of other women who have come through this kind of loss and are thriving and flourishing on the other side, I often think “but I don’t have that kind of determination or belief in myself”. How do you dig deep and start believing that you can love life again??
Watching your grief journey and how you have navigated it from the start to now is and will be encouraging to anyone who has to walk in those shoes. Your new gift of wisdom and insight to one of the hardest acceptance one has to face will help so many. I am so proud of you and would encourage anyone who needs truth, hope, love to reach out to you. Keep going
Hi Ashley: I have just entered what I am calling my ‘grief moguls.’ These are the first anniversary dates of all the events of my husband’s last couple months before he died from complications of dementia. As these dates approached, I dreaded how difficult they’d be for me— I feared hitting them hard, like a skier hits snow moguls, one after another. Each date marking a new downturn in my husband’s health. It’s been 10 months since my husband died and as I sought lifelines to cope, I came across your story. While we are in different places in life and the circumstances around our husbands’ deaths are different, I have learned from you and I am grateful.
Reading this several times just reinforces my belief that you are meant to help women on this very difficult journey. All the women in this”club” especially you have helped me navigate this . I’ve had many sad sad moments but somehow when I listen to you or read comments I am carried through these times. Thank you so. You are an inspiration .